Sadness

Have you ever just been sad? I have been, I am, and when it’s over, I will be again at some point. I feel like sadness washes over me and makes it hard to breathe. I feel it deep in my bones, and sometimes I can’t even explain it. I have this overwhelming feeling of loss. Sometimes it is loss I know is coming. Sometimes it’s loss that I fear. Sometimes it’s an irrational feeling of loss. Sometimes I funnel it out in anger. My frustration in people doubles when I’m sad. I fight it so hard. I’ve seen what this kind of sadness can do to a life. I know the devastation it can cause. Yet, here I am. I am wallowing in my own sadness and trying to figure out what to do with it. I pray for days when I don’t have to think so hard about being happy. I look back on joyful days, but it doesn’t make it better. It makes the loss of those days blare like a New York cabdriver’s impatient and unrelenting horn. Silencing the thoughts seems impossible. Smiling faces and laughs that hurt my belly now makes me nauseous. They’re gone. It won’t ever be the same. maybe the sadness is here to stay.