Y’all, I got most of my laundry folded and put away yesterday! After having my washer break down for a week, this is HUGE! On top of that, all of my galleries but one are FINISHED! I finished them just in time for round 2 of Christmas Sessions. I am a little worried about getting these galleries done in one week (my goal so people can order Christmas cards). I hope I can get it done!
This early morning I’m going to write about something with which I struggle tremendously. FAILURE....I cannot handle it. I feel like in order to succeed at one thing, I’m failing at something else. I feel like no matter how close I come to the goals I’m striving to reach, people will only see my failures. I feel like my family looks at anything I try to do as “just something silly Stacey is trying now.” It’s a constant battle that I feel like I can’t win.
Right now I feel like I’m failing as a wife and mom because, even though I feel better about “contributing,” I am lacking in my normal duties. I’m tired all the time. I’m moody and aggravated when I have no help. For once, I want to be able to accomplish EVERYTHING.
My mom gets so upset with me when she thinks I commit to doing too much because I always seem to drop one of the balls I’m juggling. Noah says that one of the things he loves about me is that when I do something I give 110%. At the same time Noah is telling me that, my dad says, “y’all don't commit to anything 100%.”. Sometimes I think “how much more time and effort could I possibly give?” There are so many things in life I have no control over, and that’s probably why I try to do so much. It validates me as a person to say “I can do this, because I want to.”
My weight has always been a problem for me (even when it wasn’t a problem). I literally obsess every day about why I can’t lose weight or stop eating, what I’ll do if I run into someone I haven’t seen for awhile and they don’t recognize me because I have gotten so big, why I have to be the “fat sister,” etc. I am so sick of myself sometimes that it affects how I live, how I interact with others, and what I do with my kids. I was athletic in school. I loved cheer and softball. I coach both now, but I feel like people can’t take me seriously because I am so big. I worry that people are surprised that Noah married me if they didn’t know me before; that they are thinking “what does he see in her?” I worry that eventually Noah loving me won’t be enough to make him think I’m beautiful. Most Of my friends are petite, And I HATE taking pictures with them. I love them, and I want our memories captured, but then I look at the pictures, and I’m mortified. I often crack jokes about my weight, because it’s easier for me to say what I feel like other people are already thinking. I am telling you. Every single day these things I’m writing are on constant feed through my head. It’s unhealthy, but it’s one of those things over which I have no control. I have asked myself before “do I hate myself?” The answer is no. I am comfortable with who I am as a person. There are areas I need work, because I’m not perfect; overall though, I’m ok with me. I have come to realize the ONLY thing I hate is my lack of control in my looks. It may seem vain and shallow, but I can’t help it. I want to be someone my husband is proud of. Sometimes I feel like all I have left are the things I learn to do. Then, I over do it. Sometimes I feel like it’s still not enough. I don’t know how this is coming across. It’s not meant to be encouraging, but it’s also not meant to discourage anyone. Maybe someone feels the same way I do, and now you know you aren’t alone. I don’t know why this is what God put on my heart to share this morning, but here it is.
Maybe this is a pivotal moment for me. Part of me is hoping that voicing what’s in my head will help me to conquer those demons. My friend Kelly told me that she made the decision to get healthy for her daughters. She said that she didn’t want them to hear her say bad things about herself and then them feel that way about themselves. She also said she decided she had no right to complain if she wasn’t going to do anything about it. She probably doesn’t know, but now that conversation is on repeat in my brain daily after every bad thing I think about my body. I needed to hear it, and now I need motivation and time.
Y‘all pray for me. I am all over the place with this post, but sometimes emptying my thoughts and feelings (even when they aren’t healthy) leaves me feeling better. It’s my way of handing it over to God. Life is good, and I know that. I just need a self pity party here and there. Thanks for reading. I promise next time will be a funny Noah story.
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