Before and After

A few weeks ago, I wrote something that startled me. It was dark, and it was real. It was literally the most accurate picture of myself I could ever really put into words. It scared me though.

The next day, God moved. He moved in my life so profoundly that I have had to process it for some time. This was me before that stirring in my heart:

When You See Her

She woke up late and rushed to get the children to school—yelling too much, hating herself, and wanting to cry. When you see her, she’s smiling.

She forgot the doctor appointment that’s been scheduled for 6 months. She wonders with her head in her hands when life is going to slow down. When you see her, she’s smiling.

She knew there were three ballgames and three children, but she couldn’t make three of herself. When you see her, she’s smiling.

She questions herself daily. Is she being the best version of herself? She cries when she realizes that she’s not. When you see her, she’s smiling.

She hopes that she’s good enough. She prays that she shows her worth, but every day she’s discouraged and feels like she’s moving further and further away from her goals. When you see her, she’s smiling.

She takes her pictures and hopes there is happiness in their eyes. Then, she prays that she isn’t responsible for the times there isn’t. When you see her, she’s smiling.

She wakes up every day hoping that she is valued. She hopes that her day isn’t spent in vain. She prays that something worthwhile comes of just this day. Tomorrow is another day, but today needs to mean something. When you see her she’s smiling.

You see her in pictures, and there she is again smiling. Her eyes are ten thousand miles away. When you see her, though, she’s smiling.

She teaches from the alter and feels the spirit in her soul with every word she says. She goes home and wonders why she can’t live up to her lessons. When you see her, she’s smiling.

You can’t know what’s in her mind. You only know what’s on her face. When you see her, she’s smiling.

Give her hope. Give her kindness. Show her love. Give her prayer. Whisper encouragement even when she’s smiling.

Sometimes I have to take a step back and evaluate myself and how responsible I am for my own position in my life and my mindset. Every time (every single time), is an opportunity to learn. They say hindsight is 20/20, but that’s only true if we are willing to admit failure or mistakes.

I have always felt like I could do better. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing, I feel like I am capable of more. That mindset has kept me creating, reaching for, and attaining goals. My lack of confidence in who God says I am and what gifts He has given me has hindered me so much over the years.

Yesterday, I posted the version of me that I am hoping to keep. That version knows her worth and is willing to invest in it. I want to be a light. I pray every day that I can always be a light. Do you want to know ultimate goals? Well, there is more to it than this, but here it is, straight from God:

Proverbs 31

28 Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.

29 Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.

30 Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised.

31 Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.

None of those things are possible if I don’t strive for the other verses in Proverbs 31:10-31, but if we are talking endgame, there you have it.